she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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