Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
look no pants
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
