I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
