i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
