I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
