There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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