Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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