It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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