so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
