Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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