I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
