I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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