and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
