Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
