Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
