I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
