Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
