Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
