so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
