You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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