Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
