I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
