Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
