Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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