Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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