I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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