She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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