yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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