Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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