If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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