You're my little dorito
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
