god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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