The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
