I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
