i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
