Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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