I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
