She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Omg I joined a choir last night...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
