What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
