Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Randomize
