You're my little dorito
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
