Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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