my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
