btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
