Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
