the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
