i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
