GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
