Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
