Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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