Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
