If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
