Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize