i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
