just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish I only lived at night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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