Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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