i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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