Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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