Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
