If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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