I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
