Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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