Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
